I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
he's single and there are thong briefs.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
