How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
