I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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