i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
