I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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