Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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