I'm lost and stupid without you.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
