the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
