phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
