You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
