can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize