Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
