So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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