I'm going to rape someone's good day.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
