Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
