i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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