No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
