the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
