ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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