I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Two words: nipple clamps
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