I checked into jail on foursquare
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
