We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
