Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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