Buhtt sex?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
In other news, I just burned my penis
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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