Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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