Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
