I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
