she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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