I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
