Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
