The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I fill condoms, not promises.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
