My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
