if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
