you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
