Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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