If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
