My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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