I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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