Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
