theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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