There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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