its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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