She is in my trunk
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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