Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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