and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
