i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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