I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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