life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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