I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
