I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
