Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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