Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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