I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
