he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
