That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I have fence marks all over my body
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
