When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
