Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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